Sunday, August 9, 2009

Emotional rollercoaster

Get ready......

So I started my day off today in the most horrible of moods. I woke up mad at Michael to begin with and didn't know why, was getting ready for church all while being just mad at the world. Went downstairs to spend some much needed time in the word to prepare my heart for church, and I just broke down crying. My heart was so bitter, so hard....I read some of Psalms and prayed "Create in me a clean heart, Oh Lord, and renew a steadfast spirit within me." I felt a little better, but I still didn't let go of things to the Lord.
The whole time, my sweet sweet husband is trying to figure out what's wrong with me and "fix" what it was that he must have done wrong for me to be so upset with him. (There really was nothing)
So we head to church, I break down crying again on the way (after Michael asking what was wrong again) and I just said "I don't know....I'm just confused and I feel so lost....I don't know exactly what's wrong!" That was that. During church, I still had this sour attitude, and was on the verge of breaking down crying the whole time. I felt better, being in the presence of so many believers singing praises to our God, and even hearing a great message about how we as a church, a body of believers should be. But as soon as all that was over, and I stepped foot out of those doors, there it was again....my attitude. UGH!!!
So we headed home. When we got home, I told Michael I wanted to go lay down and talk (which is what we do when we have deep conversations) bc I just couldn't hold in anything else. So as soon as we layed down- the faucet broke loose! I broke down crying like I haven't done in a LONG time! He just held me, like he does so wonderfully. I expressed to him an array of emotions I was feeling....and he listened. Without getting into too much details about my crazy head, I'll just abbrieviate everything by saying that I have just been feeling like I don't belong. I'm not in college anymore-I have a "real" job and that's a big adjustment in itself. While most of my old friends are getting ready to start another semester, I'm just working week after week. I feel like I can't relate to them in that area.
Another thing was that with being married and all I just feel like I have to be that perfect wife....to come home, cook, clean and always be happy. I didn't even realize I was doing that until today. Michael reassured me that I was already perfect to him, and that I didn't ALWAYS have to do those things to make him happy. I just thought thats what wives are supposed to do, so I had to do it. (in other words....marriage is an adjustment for me!)
And the last thing was that being married and all, I just really want us to find Godly married couples that we can hang out with. The problem in my head with that is our age difference. I'm 22...he's 28. Most of his friends are already married with kids, mine are still in college as I've already mentioned.
I was just letting all of this get to me, and bring me down.
I don't ever EVER remember being so caught up in emotions like that before in my life. I'm so glad I have a husband who will listen.

So on the flip side of things....Michael listened and told me he loved me and that I was wonderful...blah blah blah. He turned my whole day around. I felt so much better with just him listening. I told him I needed to do laundry, and he said "No, I'm going to do it all...even put the clothes up!" and then a little later he was like... "You want me to go get you some ice cream later today and make you a sundae?" (If you know me at all, you know my answer to this!)

So I sat on the couch, almost finished reading "Eclipse", fell asleep, woke up to the washer and dryer going, and my husband gone to the store....then he came back and fixed me my sundae! What a perfect man! Couldn't ask for more! I'm so thankful God placed him in my life! Well...now I'm off to cook buffalo chicken pizza- not because I have to in order to be a good wife-- but because I WANT to!! =)

I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heart my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear and put their trust in the LORD.

Psalm 40: 1-3

1 comment:

The Groves' said...

i know exactly how you feel!! ever since i got pregnant and even more so now that i have had Grace, i feel like i don't belong. i have one friend that has children and the others don't. and since we moved up here, i never see anyone, i never get invited to do anything anymore, and it's just kinda depressing. i love my Adam and Grace with all my heart and i wouldn't go back and change anything, but there are times where i miss just picking up and going over to a friends house to just hang out.....ya know?? i don't know if what you are going through is anything like what i am going through, but after reading your post, i feel like it has some similarities. anywho....i'm glad you got to talk it out with Michael and glad that you feel better. if you ever want to talk about anything you can always call me. i am a great listener, but i am horrible at giving advice....haha. love you